A Love/Hate Relationship

I know, I know, I said I'd have my birth story up with fabulous pictures by Beth Stafford Photography but I want to sit down and have some time to really think about it. :)

Yesterday marks an important day in our breastfeeding adventure-we nursed in public with the SNS (supplemental nursing system). I have absolutely, positively, no problem

nursing in public. I never planned on using a cover, I have always been of the mindset that breastfeeding is a natural, incredibly beautiful thing. More women need to see "how" to breastfeed and covering up our breasts, is NOT a way to teach other women. That's a whole other post...back on topic!

Our journey to where we are has been a long one. Right after I had Jack, with what couldn't have been a more perfect birth for me, my milk came in. I had milk-and lots of it! I have inverted nipples, however, and started using a nipple shield. Hind sight is 20/20 and I now realize that Jack was never fully emptying me out, and I didn't know how incrediblyimportant that was. Oh, the things we learn quickly!! I'm figuring that the milk I had was hormonally based, not supply and demand based and Jack after about four or five days wasn't having enough wet diapers. We weren't too concerned, but at his 1 week appointment with the midwife he weighed 8.12 and by 10 days old he weighed 8.04, we knew that things just weren't right. I left the midwife after checking his weight when he was 10 days old in complete tears and feeling like a failure as a mom. Everything I'd wanted when it came to breastfeeding was falling apart. I was sent home with a syringe for syringe feeding, phone numbers and addresses for moms who could donate breastmilk to us and instructions to go see the Lactation Consultant the next day. I was a complete mess. I just knew that it was my fault-we had to use the shield because of my nipples, I didn't keep better track of my milk, the list went on and on. And I cried, ALOT. (I will be forever indebted to the mom's who have so generously donated milk to us-Jack is a very VERY loved baby, and one day he will know how special this time has been!)

The next day I went to the breastfeeding support group at the BABIES Clinic. I was in such shock that I wasn't even crying. I was just there, and matter of fact about it. I met with Janet (the LC) later that day and bought an SNS, thus began the next week and a half of sitting on the couch with a broom shoved behind the couch to hold the SNS up to help with gravity(it's gravity based) and pumping every two hours. Feed, pump, repeat. Blech. (For the record, pumping an ounce over a whole day is AWFUL...) My friends Denise and Katie came to help. Since the nipple shield uses suction to stay stuck on your breast, adding in tubing broke that seal. As if the shield wasn't cumbersome enough, now we had tubing to add in the mix, thus, milk was EVERYWHERE, and in the midst of it all, I decided to ditch the shield because it wasn't helping either of us at the time and was causing major issues. SO, then began the lesson of teaching Jack how to latch on with out the shield, and boy was he PISSED. He cried, I tried hard not to cry. It's all a blur. I was so focused on getting him fed and getting the 'worried' look off his face that I would have done anything for him, and I did, just shy of giving him a bottle of formula-which was my LAST resort. (In fact, it wasn't until this week that I even had a container of formula in my house...) There was lots and LOTS of screaming from him, breast compressions, tubes being pulled and one time he got smart and shoved the tubing in his mouth to suck like a straw! What a stinker! haha!

At about two weeks, I took him into the LC to have her watch and help out some more. She asked to check his suck and told me that he sucks all in the front-not the correct way. I looked at her and said, "So, it's not just my fault?" She smiled and said, "Of course not! You thought it was?!" This wave of emotion fell over me and I immediately felt better. It wasn't that I blamed Jack for our issues, but suddenly it wasn't all my fault. I needed that. I had been so hard on myself for so long that I needed to know that.

The learning curve is steep as long as you stick with it, and we did. I had a serious love/hate relationship with the SNS. I hated the tubes, feeling like frankenstein. I hated my body that it had failed at something so incredibly ancient and natural. I hated my genetics that my nipples couldn't just be 'normal.' I hated that I couldn't just enjoy my baby while breastfeeding. I loved that I had another option besides a bottle. I could still keep my baby at the breast, keeping what little milk supply I had up. Jack was still getting what milk I had while being supplemented with milk from other moms. <3 I loved that I could have time to just sit with my baby. It was my time with him. I loved that it was still 'our' thing.

As time went on, right about the time that Jack smiled at me for the first time, life got easier. I decided that sitting on the couch was going to make me more depressed so I set out to just deal with the SNS around my neck like it's designed to be used. Jack screamed everytime he laid down on my lap in the nursing position. (He still does, but only because I'm not fast enough! haha!) But, we eventually got over that hurdle as well.

I'm learning over and over again, that having a baby is about taking it day by day and getting over the next hurdle. About tough choices, and most of all, loving your baby to the end of the world. I don't feel like what I do is amazing or special. It's just what I do. What we do. We made it work and we've grown to love it. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't appreciate what I have with my baby boy if it had been easy from the beginning. And, I know, for a fact, that when my milk supply gets better, I will forever appreciate what I have got. I'll never take for granted what I didn't have and worked so hard to get. <3

Continue Reading...

Those people we call friends

"I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial."

- Thomas Jefferson

I've lived in a couple different places throughout my life and feel like I've made a connection with many people in those places. I have friends and family in the desert, friends from high school in Silverton, friends from my college days and friends in Silverton whom I've met since we moved back. I like to think I'm a social person-I never was part of a 'group' of people in high school, I felt like I was friends with everyone and really enjoyed that aspect of high school. That still rings true for me today. I have friends in Silverton whom I've known since high school, friends whom I hang out with on a regular basis and friends whom I've recently met, but their friendships are just as important to me as my 'older' friends. What's the saying? Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold...? Oh yes, that's DEFINITELY how I feel.

As much as I love all my friends there's a group of friends that I'd like to talk about right now--my "Mom Friends. "

I've been feeling so incredibly blessed lately to know a group of women who are supportive of each other and positive about being parents. I met most of them through being a nanny, and since ending my nanny job and with my wee one on the way, I've felt less nanny-ish and more mommy-ish. ;)

I enjoy the time I spend with these women for their friendship, advice and overall good times. Their kids are blessings, their families are blessings, and THEY are blessings! Throughout my pregnancy I've had many women to talk to (IS THIS NORMAL!?) and be reassured that I can have a natural childbirth, cloth diaper and breastfeed. I can be successful. Sure, I get that reassurance from my husband. But there's something so incredibly special hearing it from other women. Strong, supportive, and kind women-moms. I credit a lot of my 'pregnancy happiness' to them-without them, I'm sure I'd have had a few meltdowns!

About a year ago, I bought a book called Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes.

I love it. Like, absolutely love it. It's gotten lost in my pile of books I'm reading, so it's not quite finished but I'm getting there! ha! I hope to do a book review on it the future (I need to re-read it!) and will talk more about it then, but one thing that really sticks out in my mind is an aspect that Shannon Hayes talks about in 'reclaiming domestic skills' is Nurturing Relationships. "Solid and satisfying relationships are beyond a doubt the primary step in building a sustainable home." How true is that? If we have relationships that we nurture (share recipes, vegetables and fruits, ideas, etc.) and we continue to help grow then we are sure to be happier, which in turn makes our homes happier/sustainable. In the book, Hayes talks about "inter-reliance" with relationships, about giving AND giving-and not just goods-advice, times, services.

I am happier because of the community I am a part of. The group of women whom I've connected with make me happier and more fulfilled.

There's little irony in the fact that my husband asked me last night if I was getting stir crazy yet; being home and not working. I hadn't really thought about it until then. Sure, there were days when we were both home, not working, and the house was clean, and I didn't leave that I felt a little crazy. But, overall, I feel fulfilled. Taking care of my house, my husband and nurturing relationships that are invaluable.

Relationships like these are ones that I hope for every young mom out there. To be able to connect with mothers out there who are older, have more experience and can lend an ear when you just feel like you're "done." I know that it's only begun (we STILL don't have a babe yet!) and that these women will be a fantastic sounding board when I need them.

So thank you friends! Thank you for your kind words, listening ears, and wonderful hearts. You all are wonderful women-and someday, I hope to repay you!!

*This does not mean that my other relationships are NOT important. I truly value all the different "communities" that I am a part of. I just wanted to touch on one "community" of friends that I felt needed a nice shout out!

Continue Reading...

Ah...My Montessori Nursery, A Dream Come True!!

So, here's the thing. I have a problem. It's not a 'real' problem, just a problem. ha!

When something comes my way-a parenting style, a new recipe, an educational theory, new sewing technique-whatever it may be, I become ENTHRALLED. Like, obsessive about it. I read as much as I can, I save a million bookmarks on my trusty Mac, I am convinced it's the 'latest and greatest', and I rave (seriously RAVE) to my hubby about it-bless his heart!

About four years ago, while going to Oregon State, I somehow stumbled upon this fantastic idea of Montessori. Ah...My peace had been found. The simplicity and sheer beauty made me feel so...peaceful. (I'll share my love for Montessori in another post, when I've thought more about all the reasons I love Montessori and can give some more history. <3) I observed in the Montessori classroom, offered to be a substitute (because I KNEW that I wanted to be a Montessori Guide-see how I become so involved SO fast?! haha) and the following summer was in charge of the cooking cam

p for 3-6 year olds. I was in LOVE. Fast forward to present time...

Paul and I always knew that we wanted to have a simple, yet inviting, nursery for our little ones. I'm not always the best at keeping the clutter down (like Paul!), but I knew that this was an important aspect for our baby's environment. So, as the gifts poured in, and J's room became a "baby explosion" as one friend called it, I settled into the idea that no matter what I did, his room wasn't going to be exactly what I wanted, mostly for lack of space for his stuff. At one point his room was more organized than this (at right) but, not by much, and it was VERY overwhelming to look at across the hall from our room.

I had big ideas to make a bumper (just for looks!) out of the animal print (shown above), but somehow became very discouraged about ruining the fabric. In all reality, I think that I was just discouraged about his room and wasn't feeling like it was really what I had wanted from all those years ago when I was reading every Montessori book I could get my hands on. So, the bumper never got finished and it continued to sit in the sewing room in half done pieces-like so many other projects I leave behind! Oops!

Last week I attended a parent education night at the local children's house about making your home more child-friendly, the Montessori way. I REALLY enjoyed being in that environment again-one that supports the independence of a child. I missed it. Really. Between going to school, nannying and just living life, I'd forgotten how much I loved the Montessori environment. A few days later, I attended a meeting at Community Roots School-the elementary charter school in Silverton-about the future of the school. Once again, I was reminded how fantastic the Montessori community is. Fantastic people, doing fantastic things. With these two experiences within a few days of each other, my head was spinning and my love for Montessori had re-surfaced. HOORAY!! (This is where the hope for J's room comes back!!)

**Funny side note that reflects my obsession (?) with bookmarking Montessori things: I've had this saved on my bookmark bar for a REALLY long time. Like, right around the time we got married! It's a FANTASTIC example of a Montessori infant room, way more than I could ever afford to do, but a great resource.

With my due date come and gone, I was getting restless. The hubby was at work and I didn't have much going on. So, I figured I needed to organize J's room-AGAIN! Once I got in there, I realized that I wanted to change a lot of it.

It was overwhelming and didn't feel like somewhere that was calming or by any means peaceful.

For this post, I'm just going to post the pictures, and in another I'll go through and explain why things are the way the are in a Montessori room. There are still a few things I'd like to get for his room-a mirror, a mobile hook from the ceiling, a rug near the bed, and a play mat/area. But, I felt like this was a great start with what I had-I didn't purchase anything new-this time around! ;)

Ah, the floor bed.

I took the crib mattress out of the crib and put it on the floor. The pillow isn't really there for the babe, just for me while cuddling up-probably only during nap time, or whenever he ends up in the room sleeping! The pictures will get lowered, next time I think of it, but they are of pictures that Paul and I took in some of our favorite places-the Colorado River and the Lincoln City beach.

We are not huge fans of the overly colored, over the top, over-stimulating baby items out there, and this includes baby activity gyms. I found wooden ones to be my 'dream' but,

alas, the $80 ticket price was just too much for our tight budget. So, my hubby being the fantastic man he is, (and his form of preparing for the baby!) made me the gorgeous one.

I love love LOVE it. I made the bell on a string and one with a ring for when J is just a bit older. I plan on making one that will hang from the ceiling too, but I thought that this was a good portable option for us, seeing as I don't think the hubby will be thrilled with hooks throughout the house! ;)

This little basket holds a few 'firsts' for J. I love the Sophie the Giraffe for teething, and the pacifier is one I found at Whole Foods. It's called an Eco Pacifier by EcoPiggy.

I'm not a huge fan of the pacifier and don't plan on introducing it for a while-definitely not in the early days-but it's a great option if it's needed. The other toy in the basket is for grasping, but I'm sure it's going to be more for teething! We're on a pretty tight budget these days and when I saw this, I knew I wanted it. But, it's just not a good time for buying more 'stuff' for the little guy. My crafty side knew I could make it, so the attempt was made and was successful! :) I love the little grasping beads. There are a few more Montessori-esque toys in the making, but I'll wait to talk about those until they are finished!

Lastly, and I love that I had this stashed away in my sewing room (previously for hanging

ribbon spools on), is the dressing area.

I'll need/want to add a small stool there eventually. Right now, it's "mostly" for show, but I imagine once he's here we'll utilize it a little more with hats, sweaters, etc. I'd also like to add a mirror as well. I feel like these little knobs are going to be great for hanging his clothing options when he's a little older and gets to that point. For now, I'll just marvel at the simplicity.

This is just a starting point, and we're having the birthing pool in his room too, so I didn't want to invest too much time into making it exactly the way I want, just to have it all moved again (hopefully soon!).

If you have any thoughts or questions, definitely leave them! I'd love to hear what you have to say!

Off to enjoy a nice walk before the rain starts again!

Continue Reading...

Funny how He works...

Phew...it's been a LONG day. I got up this morning at 4 (thanks pregnancy insomnia) and finally got out of bed around 5 to get my much anticipated trip off to a start. I was so happy that things were finally under way-a week spent in the heat of the desert near a river-couldn't make me happier. My thoughts were that the trip would go easy--in San Diego by 12:45, get my rental car by 1:30, lunch with my Aunt Lisa, cousin Liz and her little girl Juliet, then off to the river by around 7 or 8. Hm...it's 6:30 and I'm STILL in San Diego. Guess there's other plans in store for me.

The thing is, I think it started yesterday. I was talking to a good friend of mine, in the middle of our sewing session (much appreciated day off at home!) about how I LOVE my husband, but for whatever reason, I've always had huge reservations about 'needing' him. I've told him before that I want him in my life, but I don't necessarily NEED him. I think it's a psychological thing, I don't 'need' anyone, but I love having people in my life whom I enjoy their company and genuinely love them, but I don't need anyone. So I was talking to my friend about this-how I feel like he needs me more-so than I need him; which, doesn't bother me at all, and doesn't make it weird for me. OOPS. Kicking myself now.

Flash forward about 20 hours and I can't get ahold of the hubby because he's camping. Phone? Off. Everyone else's phones? Off. No way to get ahold of him or anyone with him. So in the middle of a rental car crisis I couldn't talk to him. The one person who knows how to calm me down even in the middle of a melt down (which I must say has been one of my first real 'pregnancy meltdowns'...) Sitting in the rental car office, trying to get ahold of someone who could help me back at home (THANKS MOM, for all your help!!) and not going absolutely crazy was not easy. Luckily, I have lots of family in the area that can help and within about two hours I was with my cousin, aunt and 'niece.' As I sat there, thinking about how I thought I lost my bags at the airport, how I couldn't rent this car, and how I didn't really have anywhere to go for the time being, it dawned on me--and in the middle of all my praying--I NEED my husband.

And, I'm ok with that. I need my husband to take car of the car rental. I need him to help me when I'm feeling like things are going crazy. I need him. plain. and. simple. Is it hard to admit? Yes. Oh, for sure. But God knows what I need. And, maybe, just maybe, I needed this reality check before this sweet baby joins the world. I'm surely going to need Paul during these crazy next few years. I need to let go of my pride and know that sometimes we do NEED people. And we need to trust God that everyone in our lives is there for a reason.

*Sidenote: While I was writing this, I got a phone call from my mother in law. She said to me, "Well, maybe there is a reason you didn't get that car today. Maybe someone was protecting you from that five hour drive all by yourself..." Yes, I believe you're right Mama Wolterman, you are SO right.

Continue Reading...