Friday, December 2, 2011

A Love/Hate Relationship

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I know, I know, I said I'd have my birth story up with fabulous pictures by Beth Stafford Photography but I want to sit down and have some time to really think about it. :)

Yesterday marks an important day in our breastfeeding adventure-we nursed in public with the SNS (supplemental nursing system). I have absolutely, positively, no problem
nursing in public. I never planned on using a cover, I have always been of the mindset that breastfeeding is a natural, incredibly beautiful thing. More women need to see "how" to breastfeed and covering up our breasts, is NOT a way to teach other women. That's a whole other post...back on topic!

Our journey to where we are has been a long one. Right after I had Jack, with what couldn't have been a more perfect birth for me, my milk came in. I had milk-and lots of it! I have inverted nipples, however, and started using a nipple shield. Hind sight is 20/20 and I now realize that Jack was never fully emptying me out, and I didn't know how incrediblyimportant that was. Oh, the things we learn quickly!! I'm figuring that the milk I had was hormonally based, not supply and demand based and Jack after about four or five days wasn't having enough wet diapers. We weren't too concerned, but at his 1 week appointment with the midwife he weighed 8.12 and by 10 days old he weighed 8.04, we knew that things just weren't right. I left the midwife after checking his weight when he was 10 days old in complete tears and feeling like a failure as a mom. Everything I'd wanted when it came to breastfeeding was falling apart. I was sent home with a syringe for syringe feeding, phone numbers and addresses for moms who could donate breastmilk to us and instructions to go see the Lactation Consultant the next day. I was a complete mess. I just knew that it was my fault-we had to use the shield because of my nipples, I didn't keep better track of my milk, the list went on and on. And I cried, ALOT. (I will be forever indebted to the mom's who have so generously donated milk to us-Jack is a very VERY loved baby, and one day he will know how special this time has been!)

The next day I went to the breastfeeding support group at the BABIES Clinic. I was in such shock that I wasn't even crying. I was just there, and matter of fact about it. I met with Janet (the LC) later that day and bought an SNS, thus began the next week and a half of sitting on the couch with a broom shoved behind the couch to hold the SNS up to help with gravity(it's gravity based) and pumping every two hours. Feed, pump, repeat. Blech. (For the record, pumping an ounce over a whole day is AWFUL...) My friends Denise and Katie came to help. Since the nipple shield uses suction to stay stuck on your breast, adding in tubing broke that seal. As if the shield wasn't cumbersome enough, now we had tubing to add in the mix, thus, milk was EVERYWHERE, and in the midst of it all, I decided to ditch the shield because it wasn't helping either of us at the time and was causing major issues. SO, then began the lesson of teaching Jack how to latch on with out the shield, and boy was he PISSED. He cried, I tried hard not to cry. It's all a blur. I was so focused on getting him fed and getting the 'worried' look off his face that I would have done anything for him, and I did, just shy of giving him a bottle of formula-which was my LAST resort. (In fact, it wasn't until this week that I even had a container of formula in my house...) There was lots and LOTS of screaming from him, breast compressions, tubes being pulled and one time he got smart and shoved the tubing in his mouth to suck like a straw! What a stinker! haha!

At about two weeks, I took him into the LC to have her watch and help out some more. She asked to check his suck and told me that he sucks all in the front-not the correct way. I looked at her and said, "So, it's not just my fault?" She smiled and said, "Of course not! You thought it was?!" This wave of emotion fell over me and I immediately felt better. It wasn't that I blamed Jack for our issues, but suddenly it wasn't all my fault. I needed that. I had been so hard on myself for so long that I needed to know that.

The learning curve is steep as long as you stick with it, and we did. I had a serious love/hate relationship with the SNS. I hated the tubes, feeling like frankenstein. I hated my body that it had failed at something so incredibly ancient and natural. I hated my genetics that my nipples couldn't just be 'normal.' I hated that I couldn't just enjoy my baby while breastfeeding. I loved that I had another option besides a bottle. I could still keep my baby at the breast, keeping what little milk supply I had up. Jack was still getting what milk I had while being supplemented with milk from other moms. <3 I loved that I could have time to just sit with my baby. It was my time with him. I loved that it was still 'our' thing.

As time went on, right about the time that Jack smiled at me for the first time, life got easier. I decided that sitting on the couch was going to make me more depressed so I set out to just deal with the SNS around my neck like it's designed to be used. Jack screamed everytime he laid down on my lap in the nursing position. (He still does, but only because I'm not fast enough! haha!) But, we eventually got over that hurdle as well.

I'm learning over and over again, that having a baby is about taking it day by day and getting over the next hurdle. About tough choices, and most of all, loving your baby to the end of the world. I don't feel like what I do is amazing or special. It's just what I do. What we do. We made it work and we've grown to love it. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't appreciate what I have with my baby boy if it had been easy from the beginning. And, I know, for a fact, that when my milk supply gets better, I will forever appreciate what I have got. I'll never take for granted what I didn't have and worked so hard to get. <3

6 comments:

  1. You are an amazing young woman, and Jack is blessed to have you as his mommy! Keep it up. :)

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  2. first i might add that i am beastfeeding while typing... it gets easier I promise:) I used a nipple shield with Lily and I never really enjoyed breastfeeding with her. In hind sight I believe that is why my milk dried up at 7 mos... I have successfully nursed my 2nd and 3rd girls without one from the start, so hopefully that reassures you (I have inverted nipples too). I wish I would've known you were stugggling, I would have loved to try to help, but I guess that would've been hard from AZ. You know breast is the best and it's great to see another mom trying her hardest to do what is best for her kids. Keep it up, you'll be blessed. The first is the hardest, by second two were the best breastfeeders in the world :)

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  3. OH and with Lily I had an SNS too, the combo of the shield and sns are such a pain!

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  4. Happy to hear it is getting a little easier, that you are working with Jack and doing all you can for him. It's not easy and I admire you for sticking with it.

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  5. I admire you for rocking the SNS in public! I promise it will all get easier:) You are a super mama!

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  6. I had extremely inverted nipples and my LC Emily was amazing, but it does get better. Hang in there, for the first month solid I bled every time I nursed, it was horrible, but at about 5-6 months everything smoothed out and was amazing. Now with Katie it has been so easy, and I have even started to donate a little bit of milk

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