I still haven't finished writing Jack's birth story. 20 months later and I still haven't. Someday.
But I feel like this story is an important part of my steps (leaps?) into motherhood.
A couple weekends ago, I hosted a Goddess Circle at our little cabin in the woods. Two other mamas came and we had a lovely time around a little fire. The conversation varied from releasing fears/worries/stresses to pivotal moments during a birth of our children. It was amazing to hear their stories and how birth truly changes lives. I know that Jack's birth changed me in ways that I never could have imagined.
I couldn't exactly pinpoint a moment that was pivotal during Jack's birth. There were multiple moments that helped shape the mama I needed to be in the following days, week, months, and years.
Throughout my pregnancy I was incredibly blessed with a midwife and apprentice that I trusted and who trusted me. I don't remember at what point I started doing it, but eventually I started doing my own urine test at each prenatal. (It's not that it's HARD, it's that they trusted me to tell them the truth.) We also had the right to deny any testing that we didn't want. It's incredibly empowering to make decisions for your unborn child and have someone that you've only known for a few months back you up.
At 34 weeks, we went into my prenatal appointment. My midwife asked me how things were going. Mid conversation I blurred out "I want to have a home birth." My poor husband had no idea this was coming. I think he panicked. My midwife assured him it was hardly different than a birth center birth and that she thought it would be fine. To have someone be reassuring that I could do this, telling my skeptical husband it'd be perfect and feel the trust they both had in birth (like I was trying to) was so empowering.
When I was ::finally:: in labor at 41 weeks and 5 days, I was ready. I loved being pregnant but I had waited so long to experience labor. Things progressed at a "normal" rate and after the midwife and her apprentice had returned (after arriving at 4 am then leaving to have breakfast and leave me to labor at home because I really felt they were just watching me--even though they weren't!) things were picking up around 4 pm.
I labored however and wherever I wanted. All I really wanted was to be in the bath tub. Not the birth pool that had been blown up in the baby's room with a tarp under. I'd spent countless hours practicing my hypnobirthing while pregnant that I just felt more comfortable in the bath. Just sitting in that spot was relaxing in and of itself. I was thrilled to make the decision to stay in there.
They listened to baby quite a bit, I believe every 30 minutes at that point. As contractions became more intense, they were checking on baby and I more often. It came to a point where during contractions I HATED anyone touching me. I said "Do you have to listen every time? I hate that. Can't I just do it?" I can't remember who handed me the Doppler but I gladly took it, located his heartbeat without hesitation and was thrilled. "You'll be a midwife someday!" In my birthy-labor haze, I don't think any other words or trust could have made me feel so strong. So empowered. I needed that.
I don't know how much longer after that but "pushing" started, my water broke, I got back in the tub, and about 3-4 contractions later I was told "Catch your baby! Catch your baby!!" Gladly. I reached down and brought that sweet chubalicios boy to my chest. I had no idea that birth would change every fiber of my being.
The next few days, weeks and months were hard. So very hard. Not what I imagined for our breast feeding relationship. I was asked often why or how I just kept going. I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that it was all those moments. Those empowering moments. And, for me, that's what midwifery is about. Helping women be the very best they can be on their journeys. To quietly empower women. Without my midwife and her apprentice I wouldn't be the mother I am today. Through their simple and quiet strength, I gained the confidence and empowerment I needed to begin my journey. Thank you is hardly enough.
No one moment in Jack's birth was powerful or significant but many moments and for that I am forever grateful.
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